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Too often, women – especially women of color – suffer in silence. You may feel as if you’re the only person navigating a particular challenge, and you may even gaslight yourself into thinking you don’t deserve to feel or react a certain way.
Some of you were raised in families or have built friendships that perpetuate certain beliefs or values that no longer align with your own. Over time, you even feel like the “black sheep” or disconnected from the people you’ve associated yourself with for most of your life.
As a result, you likely feel alone, disconnected from yourself, and as if you have to pretend to be something or someone you’re not in order to experience connection. This fuels perfectionism, as you strive to show up as a version of yourself that will be accepted by people who don’t share your values or interests in the first place.
The role of community in health and wellbeing
That’s where community comes in. Being part of a community can have a positive impact on your mental health and well-being while providing a sense of belonging and social connectedness. It’s a vehicle for strengthening one’s sense of self as you commune with people whose interests, values, and goals align with yours. And it’s a source for building resilience as community provides a safe space for people to navigate similar challenges and opportunities together.
It’s the power of “me too.” It’s learning that you’re not alone in your struggles. It’s having the space to have safe conversations, share the ups and downs of life, and explore your interests and passions with others who simply get it. It’s an essential tool for improving your mental health and well-being.
Unfortunately, many of us don’t have access to safe, supportive communities that promote health and well-being. In this case, we have the responsibility to build our own personal communities that support our growth and personal success. And here are a few tips to help you get started.
1. Begin with self-awareness
To start, take some time to understand when and where you feel the strongest sense of belonging and connection. Just as important, identify the spaces in which you feel disconnected, alone, or as if you have to shrink yourself.
Also, pay close attention to the sensations in your body after spending time with certain people or in certain places. Do you leave feeling energized, light, and content? Or are you left exhausted, on edge, and tense?
At the same time, discover (or rediscover) your values, interests, and passions. Community is often built and sustained on shared attitudes and goals, so it’s essential to “know thyself” in order to build community that actually works for you.
If this is a difficult exercise for you (it may be for those of us who have been disconnected from ourselves), use this tip that Radiance Basden, founder of Rooted in Radiance, shared in a recent panel for Mental Health America: “Start with an easy ‘yes.’” What’s something in your daily life that’s a simple pleasure or non-negotiable? For Radiance, it’s a bold lipstick. For you, it may be a particular TV show, coffee brand, or outdoor activity.
All of this information can be used as a guide to building community that actually strengthens your sense of self and fosters connection with like-minded people.
2. Leverage your existing relationships
Making new connections as an adult can be hard. But you don’t always have to meet new people to build an effective community. Take some time to assess your existing relationships. And again, using self-awareness, identify the people in your life who make you feel safe, supported, and whole. These are the people you’d want in your personal community.
Here are a few things to consider when tapping into your existing relationships:
- Have a conversation about what it means to be part of your community.
- Ensure they have the capacity to play this special role in your life.
- You may only have 1-2 people who are fit for your community (and that’s okay).
- Choose relationships that are reciprocal vs. one-sided.
The people in your life who already give you space to be open, authentic, and vulnerable are the pillars of your community – even if you only have one friend or family member who fits the bill.
3. Look outside of your inner circle
You may not always find what you need in your current relationships. But there are countless networks and community spaces that you can tap into when building your own community. Consider using Meetup to find people who share your interests or joining a community organization to meet people supporting a common cause.
With social media, it’s easier than ever to find a virtual community of people who connect and bond over unique and shared interests. Are you into anime? Interested in conscious parenting? A superfan of The Office? There’s a digital community for that.
Outside of organized, pre-built communities, it may also be worth investing in specialized support to expand your personal community. Perhaps you could benefit from a relationship with a licensed mental health therapist, life coach, or mentor. Despite the nature of the relationship, these people are part of your community and can play an important role in your growth and overall well-being.
4. Be intentional about cultivating your community
Building, and more importantly, sustaining, community isn’t a passive exercise; it requires intentionality. It means proactively reaching out to those in your community, investing time in building meaningful connections, and showing up for them just as much as they show up for you.
Also, ensure that the community you build is actually safe and supportive for you. You want to be in spaces and in conversations with people who make you feel validated, protected, and affirmed. Anything else would be contradictory to what you’re seeking.
Yes, building and sustaining community will require some of your time and energy. But the rewards you reap for having a group of people who support you, cheer you on, or simply get you can’t be quantified.
Bonus: You don’t have to cut people off (unless it’s warranted)
This isn’t a call for you to disassociate with people who aren’t necessarily qualified to be part of your personal community (unless they’re causing you harm and you feel it’s warranted). Cutting people out of your life can be difficult, or somewhat impossible, especially with certain family members, long-time friends, or even colleagues.
There are two things you can do in this situation:
- Associate with these people in doses. You shouldn’t spend the bulk of your time with people or in environments that make you feel disconnected from yourself. Over time, it will likely weaken your sense of self and have a negative impact on your mental health. Simply limit the time and energy you spend with them, and be sure to balance the scale with your chosen community.
- Focus on building your self-confidence. As you spend more time with people who share your values, interests, and passions, you’ll learn to accept yourself for who you are and gain the confidence to show up authentically in any space. This newfound confidence will allow you to walk into any room without shrinking, disconnecting from yourself, or feeling less than.
Humans weren’t designed to go through life alone. But the people we choose to connect with and confide in matter. If your current relationships or environments aren’t contributing to your mental health and well-being, the onus is on you to create your own community of people who support and encourage you. And more than anything, surround yourself with people who give you permission to proudly show up as yourself in everything you do.
