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I recently discovered Jay Shetty and his podcast, On Purpose. And in a couple of his episodes, specifically the episode with Russell Brand, he used this quote:
“I am not who you think I am; I am not who I think I am; I am who I think you think I am.”
In Shetty’s words: “We live in a perception of a perception of ourselves.”
Insert “mind-blown” emoji here.
The idea is based on the “looking-glass self” theory coined by sociologist Charles Cooley. The theory claims that we develop our self-concept by observing how we’re perceived by others. When we’re in social settings, we’re hyper-focused on others’ body language, word choices, tone of voice, and reactions to gauge their perception of us. Then we use these interactions to measure our worth, values, and behaviors.
Simply put, if we think someone thinks we’re smart, we feel smart. Or if we think someone thinks we’re not smart, we don’t feel smart. And left unchecked, this can throw us into a vicious loop of people-pleasing, perfectionism, and shame.
We start with people-pleasing
The looking-glass self theory suggests that we use social interactions as “mirrors.” Someone else’s response to us – whether it’s their facial expression, body language, or tone – strongly indicates how well we’re doing in our quest to please them. In this quest, we become hypervigilant in detecting displeasure in others, and we learn to keep performing until we elicit the response we want.
People-pleasing begets perfectionism
In our efforts to dictate how others perceive us, we start to mold ourselves into this perfect version of ourselves that’s palatable to everyone around us. In the office, we’re bubbly, non-confrontational, and altruistic because we’ll be seen as team players. Or maybe with friends, we’re funny, agreeable, and adaptable because we want to be seen as the “easy-going” friend.
We each create our own versions of “perfect” in our minds. And when we base our self-concept on how others perceive us, we can become addicted to embodying this idea of perfection. Because in our minds, perfection means we’ve performed to the best of our abilities and we can avoid failure.
This brings us to our next phase in the cycle of the “looking-glass self” theory: shame.
Our failed efforts at perfection lead to shame
Here’s the hard truth: We can’t please everyone. An even harder truth? Sometimes you won’t please the same person, in the same way, twice. For one, we each have different interests, preferences, and biases. And second, those things can change on a whim.
Take a moment to consider the mental gymnastics one must perform in order to please a group of people, based on what they like or dislike, all at once. It’s virtually impossible, and not to mention exhausting, to create the perfect perception of ourselves in everyone’s minds. But that doesn’t stop us from trying.
And when we inevitably fail (because we all know we can’t successfully please everyone), we feel shame. We feel unworthy and less than. And we ultimately embody whatever negative feelings others are projecting on us. If we’re not careful, shame can launch us right back into the cycle of people-pleasing, perfection, and yes, more shame.
Building a strong concept of self in community with others
This isn’t a call to isolate yourself in order to build a healthy self-concept detached from others’ perceptions. According to Cooley’s theory, self-concept isn’t built in solitude, as society and individuals are not separate. We need community, and we can’t avoid judgment. However, I believe our power lies in being able to: 1) Identify whose opinion actually matters to us and 2) Take what we need and leave the rest.
Once in therapy, I did this exercise where I named people in my life whose opinions I truly valued. After about five minutes, I could only come up with three people. THREE PEOPLE. The revelation was freeing, to say the least.
We can’t deny that there are people in our lives who we may need to impress at times. Think partner, spouse, boss, or investor. There are times when their opinion or judgment, if meaningful, can spark positive change or improvement. However, the danger lies in allowing their negative or positive perception to form the basis of our self-concept.
Rather, your self-concept must be grounded in how you see yourself and the way in which you interact with, respond to, and treat yourself. Everything else can be: a) stored away as evidence to support your already healthy self-concept, b) used as an impetus for improvement, or c) trashed.
Period.
